Worrying about Worrying

It seems like an oxymoron to say “I am worrying about worrying people”. I know the people who care about me will worry about me. I know it is normal for them to worry about me, as they love me. I would and do worry about them. But that does not mean I do not try to mitigate the amount of worry they have about me.

I keep the deep and dark thoughts to myself. When struggling with my mental health or unwell physically, I hide away from the world. Look after myself, in my world. Usually under my duvet with my puppy keeping me company (he is currently next to me, dreaming).

My Sleeping Puppy
Toby asleep – always a cutie

Does everyone else feel this way? I know I find it hard to ask for help. I am used to being the strong independent type. I am used to relying on just me. Being single and not always having a supportive family has left me posing as super woman. I have great friends, the absolute best, but in the past friends have left. So, it is hard to say with 100% confidence that they would to stay through the worst of a person.

If I was to say “I need help”, I would feel I am admitting that I am not the strong independent woman everyone thought. I am weak and helpless. I know it is not as black and white as this, logically I do. But then in these recent times, I actually feel weak and helpless. So maybe, I am not the strong independant woman I thought I was and want to be.

I also feel that when I am asking people for support, I am asking people to care about me. This brings me back into the ‘I am not worthy of love’ cyclone of thoughts. Leading to my belief that I am not worthy of the support and so I shouldn’t be asking in the first place.

tornado on body of water during golden hour
Photo by Johannes Plenio on Pexels.com

How can I feel worthy of someones worry? What is even on the criteria for that?

It gets even harder when I know a friend is also going through a hard time. Adding to someone else’s burden is even more difficult. I feel I should be the support beam, not the earthquake that could make it all collapse. My own problems should be pushed down the priority and others needs are to be put ahead of my own.

These are the circling thoughts in my mind. No answer, no solution just problems. Here are my thoughts, just trying to find the logic within the chaos of my life in this mental world.

2 thoughts on “Worrying about Worrying

  1. First of all, it must be stated for the record that Toby indeed is a mega-cutie. An uber-cutie. A cutie extraordinaire.
    I am so glad you have him to love and vice versa!

    Second, you wrote a line that was so good, it made me feel jealous!

    “I feel I should be the support beam, not the earthquake that could make it all collapse.”

    Finally, I wish I had the answers for you. I wish you and I didn’t have to go through this, pardon my French, shit.
    But we do. We have to be allowed to be quaky. We are worthy of worry, even if we don’t feel that way.
    Most importantly we have to force ourselves to ask for help, which SUCKS. I HATE telling people I’m struggling and I need help.

    Please keep writing, please keep sharing.

    Here’s that chorus I love from Dire Straits “Why Worry” & the song link – lots of love to you, Lady B!

    Why worry
    There should be laughter after pain
    There should be sunshine after rain
    These things have always been the same
    So why worry now
    Why worry now

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Firstly – you can’t get rid of me that easily. Secondly, you are worthy of people worrying about you, supporting you and helping as much as we can.

    I have had a message from my therapist for over 4 years saying that it is not weakness, it is a strength to ask for help. I am never going to judge you for asking or telling me what is happening. I want to know if you are struggling I want to be there for you regardless of what is happening. It\s what friends do.

    I know it is tough I have been in the loop of worrying about worrying about worrying! There are no simple answers other than you have recognised what is going on and that is always the first step

    Love you xxx

    Liked by 1 person

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